Often in life things don't always tend to happen the way that we plan for them. As an adult reading this blog I'm more than certain that has happened to you at one time or another. I am a single mother raising two boys, both already in the double digits of their ages, and I have raised them alone for over twelve years now. Though I don't always make the most accurate of decisions I am always striving to do the best that I can for them. One of the things I have always felt the pressures to achieve, as a woman, is to get married. I do understand that children tend to do more positively in a traditional household, but I am yet to find that man that has put a ring on my finger and agreed to love not just me with their whole heart, but love my children just as completely. I am one of those single mothers that has refused to settle from the beginning, including with their own father. He has turned out to be the deadbeat with the lack of potential that I figured he was many years ago. It has always surprised me the reactions I receive when I explain to someone that I considered marrying him, but the best choice I ever made was not going through with it.
Is it best to forego your own wants and needs in a relationship to better meet the needs of your children? I do not believe so. I am a firm believer that if you are happy in your life then your children will also grow to be happier. If you concede to a negative relationship to make the rest of the world okay with your life then I truly believe you are teaching your children to also settle and do the same.
I have known a lot of people in my time that have settled. Their children become accustomed to the traditional home and family that so many pressure single mothers to attain. In the end these marriages are normally met with divorce and to follow that is mountains of bitterness. In the end I do not believe that is the route that is best suited for our children. I truly believe that if a single parent is secure in their decision and does indeed consider the entire family in their choices that the benefits can outweigh the risks.
While some people in today's society may deem mother's who have chosen to be a single parent as a failure, I would like to change this outlook in society. My hope is that with time they will no longer be looked at weak, frail, or failures. They will not lower themselves to settle for less than a love that can surround themself and their kids. They will be applauded as strong, independent role models for our women of the future. They will not feel as if they are being backed into a corner just because it didn't work out with a man. They will come out with the perverbial swing of the bat, their shoulders back, their head held high. The women of our future will not run to the state aid office or to their parents. They will not rush to fall in love with the next man that smiles in their direction. Instead, they will be secure, proud, and patient in knowing that they can still take care of their family all by themselves.
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I read your post and it sounds like you are doing a great job with your children. I have mixed feelings about single moms. I realize weomen get married have children and get divorced. Those things happen and I would not want anyone to stay in a relationship they were not happy in. However with that said I do take issue with young women becoming pregnant and having children and not being married and expecting the rest of society to take care of them. I realize accidents happen but I would not want to see my daughter in that type of situation. Its tough raising kids and to have to do it alone is even tougher.
ReplyDeleteHi Angela, I think your blog turned out really nice. It’s cool that you put up some photos; I think they do wonders for making visitors feel like they are a welcome guest at your site, and not feel like they are just writing to some web page for the hell of it. I’m in the web development program, so seeing how you whipped up such a cool site so easily and for free scares me. Would anyone have a use for a web developer when they could whip up a site like yours for free? I guise only vary high end interactive web sites for large companies will be were the money will be for me.
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry you got me as a blog partner. I for real feel sad about it because I have some strong opinions about your subject, and they are mostly about the rights I think your sons deserve. I strongly support the sons rights because there is a big age difference between you and them, they are young boys while you are a grown woman who can easily manipulate what the boys feel is important and acceptable for your own convenience.
Married right away? Are you only using the word marriage because it makes every thing sound so normal. Your potential husband might not want to get married until the kids are 18 and their daddy is done paying child support, or he may want to run a credit check on you before he does shit, or he may insist that you stop doing something to the kids that is destructive. Or did you mean a dumb husband?
Most mothers would not know about the bond and love a son and stepdad build, because it reaches its highest peek and development when they are talking man to man about mom’s mental illness. From then on there is an understanding that every one plays fair; every one except mom that is, she is sick. But you don’t want a husband that would let the mom go on acting ill, just so he can feel like he is some sort of Mr. comforting stable real man of the family. Then it would turn into a sick game, and I just deleted the last two sentences of this paragraph. Lol
Sorry I took so long to write. I know you like to leave yourself plenty of time for your homework, and I would bet that you are a great mom. I did not want to leave you waiting till the last minute, so I hope my un-hammered out ideas did not seem off the point. My other blog partner and someone I told I would blog do not have blogs up yet, so now that I am worried that they are waiting till Wednesday afternoon to give me an address for their blogs I can appreciate the fact that you blogged early.
Talk to you soon.
Paul
Kim - I understand what you are saying, however, I don't believe that just because someone has a baby, or has a baby at a young age necessarily means they will become a welfare recipient. I have been a mom since the age of 18 and have never collected welfare with the exception of now - since losing my job I receive $130/mth in food assistance. I never condone girls going out and getting pregnant to just have kids, but when faced with a situation I don't believe they should marry the father's of their children just for the sake of being "correct" in the eyes of some. Getting married too young and in those conditions sometimes it feels as if its forced and dealing with a divorce and single motherhood can sometimes be doubly overwhelming, as it would've been in my situation. For my children the best thing I could've done is taken them out of the situation WE were in...something I would never don onto anyone else.
ReplyDeleteAlso, unfortunately, in my personal situation...I was told at a young age that I could never carry a child. So I didn't take the proper precautions to avoid pregnancy. When left with the decision to have, adopt out, or abort, I was also afraid that the first pregnancy could be my one and only shot at it. The choice was a "no brainer" for me.
Being a single mother isn't necessarily the problem, I truly believe we should better empower all women to be more independent and self sufficient. =)
Paul -
ReplyDeleteI understand exactly what you're saying and the rights of my sons were never taken away from them. Their father is not a good influence in their life. I have tried to be the rock and the good example. While I do completely appreciate the love of a stepfather and son it is also a very fine line to walk on when raising children. Sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince and I didn't want my kids to see men come and go in their lifetimes either. I was always cautious when introducing them to other people in my life. I have had relationships, but was never going to be pressured into getting married just for the sake of being proper. That was my point. Not that I wouldn't get married, but I wanted to ensure that whichever stepfather I brought into their lives, and married, would be someone I knew they could love and count on. Unlike what they have with their father.
I was blessed with a good father that is also my older brother's stepfather. My dad adopted him when my brother's biological father walked out on him.
I am not married but my boyfriend also has a child and through that I also know very well what it means to love and accept a child that is not of your flesh.
See you in class and thank you for the kind words.
Hi again Angela, sounds like things are really falling into place for you the way that you are doing so good in school and doing so good at the choices you have been making for your sons and you. With your sons being in their teens already things don’t sound so scary, though I’m sure you probably spend a lot of time worrying about the best way to handle the challenges of raising two teens.
ReplyDeleteMy stepdad adopted me and had a little girl with my mother who I have always viewed as my sister and not my half sister, so I thought that it was vary sweat of you to refer to your brother as your brother and not your half brother, even though you were explaining how it all came to be. I would feel sad if my sister started referring to me as her half brother. There was a big age difference between my sister and me, so we did not fight like other brothers and sisters often do. She has two little ones now that bring lots of joy to me, and I would do anything I can to make sure that they have a happy life.
I don’t know if the new family came together before your were born or not, but if they did there is a good chance that your brother did lots of nice things for you that you don’t even remember. My sister does not remember how I got rid of all my games and stuff with little pieces so she would not stick them in her mouth and choke, or that I was the only one who went ape shit when a neighbor’s dog bit her. She only mentions stuff like she thinks she is tuff from having an older brother. Some day she will say some thing like that again, and in a nice way I will challenge her to come up with even “half” of a fact that would support the statement.
I am worried about how mean my niece is to her little brother, every body thinks that they fight because they are so close in age, and I am starting to think that I am the only one who sees that it is all my niece who is jealous of her brother and mad about not being an only child who gets all the attention. But my sister even admitted that she spends a lot more time with my niece than she does with my nephew who is younger. But what would I ever tell my nephew if he asks why I never said shit to his mom about it. I had an uncle who was a great guy, to me and to everybody, but my opinion changed when I realized that he never said shit to my mom about the shit she was pulling. I don’t want my sister to make me out to be the bad guy for voicing my concern, but I’m the only one who knows how cold my mom can be, and I see how my niece is just like my mom.
I’m going to go respond to you at my blog. But I have no idea what to say yet because you already know that printing sucks.
Paul